How to Deal with Grief in a Healthy Way : 19 Ways to Effectively Deal With Grief
What are the different types of grief?
Loss is an inevitable part of living, we can’t go through life without experiencing loss of some sort or another and grief is the natural process that we will go through to help us to heal from it. There is no quick fix to dealing with grief and no one-size-fits-all either.
Whether it is the death of a loved one, the loss of a job, moving home, the loss of a beloved pet, the loss of physical ability, or the loss of financial security. Whatever the circumstances feelings of grief and loss will be present and knowing how to deal with them and how to get through the period is crucial.
What is grief?
The definition of grief is the response to the loss of someone or something. Although most descriptions of grief focus on the emotional response, it also has physical, cognitive, spiritual, cultural, and behavioural sides to it. The reaction of grief to a loss can be overwhelming to an individual.
The responses can be shock, denial, anger, guilt, abject sadness, and disbelief. Each individual will deal with the loss that they face in a way that is personal to them. What one person considers to be a great loss will not be how another individual will view it but that is not important.
Whatever loss you feel, you should allow yourself the time to grieve. Grief and how the individual deals with it will differ for many reasons. Personality, life experience, spirituality, coping style, and closeness to the loss will all affect the grieving process. The important factor is that the individual deals with grief in a way that is healthy for them.
Ways to deal with the grieving process
For many people, dealing with grief is a taboo subject. Many people have an expectation as to how people should handle grief and how long they should grieve but there is no right or wrong way and it is an experience that each individual has to handle in a way that is right for them.
Individuals should be allowed the time that they need to grieve and no judgment should be placed on them by other people. There is no shame in feeling grief what is important is finding the ways that work for you. Healing will take time, it will happen gradually and it cannot be rushed. You can not force yourself to race through your feelings of grief, you need to have patience with yourself and with your situation and allow the process of grief to unfold naturally for you.
Certain factors need to be addressed when dealing with the process of grieving
You must acknowledge the pain that you are going through and not try to mask it with anything such as alcohol or other substances, this is only going to put off the inevitable grieving process.
Acknowledge that you will need to support yourself through the process so do not judge yourself or be harsh on yourself
Understand that grief can throw up different emotions that you are not used to dealing with and can trigger different feelings in you.
Acknowledge help from other people when you really need it, even people who are used to coping alone can sometimes benefit from accepting outside help.
Understand that the way you deal with grief may not be the same as others and give yourself space and understanding to deal with grief in your unique way.
Psychology of Grief - The Five Stages
Grief is an area that many psychologists have studied and in 1969 Elisabeth Kübler-Ross developed what is known as “The Five Stages of Grief.” This famous model outlined in her book “ On Death and Dying” noted the stages of grief from the studies that she had conducted with patients who were dealing with terminal illnesses.
These five stages were then taken to incorporate other areas of grief such as the death of a loved one or dealing with the end of a relationship. The five stages outlined by Kübler-Ross were;
Denial “This isn’t happening to me….”, “ I can’t believe this, it should be somebody else, not me…”
Anger “ This is so unfair, this must be somebody else’s fault”, “ Who can a look to blame for this?”
Bargaining “If you make this go away I will….”
Depression “ I can’t go on like this, I am too sad to continue living this way…”
Acceptance. “ I accept what has happened now and have made my peace with it…”
Individuals will go through these 5 stages in their way. During the denial stage, you will not be living through the “actual reality” of the situation, rather you will be living through your preferred reality of the situation.
This stage helps you to deal with the shock of the event that has occurred and helps you to survive. Once the shock of the event starts to fade for you then the healing process can begin.
From this stage, you will move into the second stage, anger, where you will start to live in reality again. This is where your thinking might turn to “Why did this happen to me?” and you will start to experience feelings of anger that may be directed towards other people or organizations.
This is a very important part of the grieving process and one that you really need to go through as it is not healthy to suppress feelings of anger, moving through this stage will help the feelings dissipate.
After anger, the next stage of bargaining begins. This is usually where people are so desperate to get their lives back to how they were before the event that they are willing to do anything to get their lives back to normal.
The stage of depression is the stage that is commonly associated with grief and one that most people expect. This is usually when you accept the emptiness that you are now living through, with the loss of a loved one, job, or whatever the event is.
At this stage, you may feel that you want to just withdraw from life as everything in it may seem overwhelming and too much for you to deal with.
Finally, there is acceptance. This is where you have come to terms with the situation, your emotions have come back to a more stable level and you are ready to begin a new form of reality.
It doesn’t mean that you have completely got over the old way of living but you have accepted that that part of your life has changed and you are willing to move on to a new way of being in your life. At this point in your life, you will still have bad days but there will be more good days and you will feel that you are coping with life much more.
The stages outlined above highlight that the emotions that you may experience during a period of loss are a perfectly natural reaction to the event.
It is not to say that everyone who is going through a period of loss will experience all of these five emotions, everyone reacts differently.
These stages of grief are not set in stone, indeed Kübler-Ross herself never set out to a rigid set of rules that everybody should follow when they are dealing with loss, some people may never experience any of the stages and some people may experience them all, they are there as a guide only, as in everything in life, our grief will be unique to us.
For many people, grief will be a series of ups and downs. Few people have lives that allow them to lock themselves away and spend a period of mourning. For many people, their emotions will far more resemble a rollercoaster.
When you have to live life on a day-to-day basis, it can be very hard to let your emotions rule. Having to go to work, look after children or other family members, go shopping, carry on your normal routine, some days are going to be better than others and you will have your ups and downs and this is to be totally expected.
For many people, the emotions connected to a loss will never fully go away, just that over time they will be able to move back to a way of living that allows them to live with their grief in a way that does not interfere with their lives.
Physical symptoms of grief
There are many physical symptoms of grief that people can suffer from apart from psychological symptoms:
Insomnia
Weight loss or weight gain
general fatigue is often associated with a lack of sleep or not eating correctly
The lowered immune system again due to poor diet, lack of sleep, too much alcohol or other substances
General aches and pains or feelings of nausea
Lack of energy
Difficulty breathing.
Emotional symptoms of grief
Sadness or depression
Guilt
Anger or rage
Fear or insecurity
Shock or disbelief.
The emotional symptoms brought about by a loss can be as debilitating as the physical ones. Dealing with the sudden loss of a loved one can bring to the surface many sudden emotions all at once, from anger and rage as to why this has occurred to feelings of sadness and depression as well as feelings of fear or insecurity about the future.
“There is not a typical response to loss, as there is no typical loss. Our grieving is as individual as our lives.”
Elisabeth Kübler-Ross
19 Ways to effectively deal with grief
Everybody has to find their own way to deal with grief, it is not something that you can be told how to go about. While many people will turn to themselves and try to deal with their loss on their own, many others will be able to take great solace in the comfort of others.
There are numerous ways in which to deal with grief, a selection is below:
Recognize the pain you are feeling
Never try to hide the pain that you are feeling, you must recognize it for what it is and not try to suppress it or hide it, if so you will never heal.
Don’t set an endpoint for when you have to stop grieving
Grief isn’t an emotion that has a start and end date. Never try to put a date to when you will stop grieving, you need to work to your time scale.
Understand grief may bring on a variety of unanticipated emotional responses
Grief doesn’t have a clear set of rules and guidelines to follow. Whilst going through the grieving process, other emotions may appear that you weren’t expecting. Acknowledge these emotions as well and let them work through you mentally and physically.
Recognize that your grieving is very personal to you
No two people will grieve in the same way as grief is a personal emotion to you. Never let another person tell you how you should be feeling as they will never truly understand where you are on your emotional journey.
Don’t compare your grief to that of other people
As with everything in life, you should never compare yourself to another person and this is especially true when it comes to grieving. You need to work to your timeframe and not judge yourself against anyone else.
Set aside time for yourself to grieve and experience the emotions
Grief isn’t something that can be experienced in a moment. Sometimes, when you have lost someone close for example, you will need and want to spend time grieving them and this is how it should be. Make sure that you give yourself time and space in which to grieve properly.
Gather support from the people around you who care about you
When people around you offer you support, understanding and love make sure that you take it. The comfort of other people can be crucial to working through the stages of grief.
Look after yourself both in a physical and mental way to help your feelings
Self-care is very important when working your way through grief. Your physical and mental health should be of paramount importance to you as the stronger you are the easier you will move through the process of grieving.
Understand your grieving is not the same as someone suffering from depression
Grief is a different emotion from depression and one that should be recognised as such. Grief is triggered by a loss of some kind or another whilst depression can be caused by other circumstances entirely.
Let yourself feel the full range of emotions while grieving not just sadness
As already discussed, grief involves a full range of emotions not just sadness and it is important to work through each stage that is affecting you. It is an important process and missing out on the different stages could mean that your grief takes longer to work through.
Be sure to practice all forms of self-care
Looking after yourself physically and emotionally is important. Practising self-care will help you to navigate through the difficult time that you are experiencing. Try meditation, yoga, eating well, taking time for yourself, and putting your needs first. You should never have to make an excuse to practice self-care it is fundamentally important for good health.
Be kind to yourself
You should always be kind to yourself especially during a time of grief. You will be feeling so much that being hard or unkind to yourself will never serve you and will only make matters worse.
Keep your sleep patterns regular
Grief can cause disrupted sleep patterns but it is important to your physical and emotional well-being that you try and stick to a regular sleep pattern to give you the best chance of sleeping.
Keep yourself active
Staying active will work in various ways. Exercise releases feel-good chemicals into the body which will help you to lift your spirits and feel better. It is also a good way to help you sleep better and to keep you fit, physically and mentally.
Set goals for yourself
Setting goals is a good way to start looking to the future with a more optimistic mindset. It gives you something to work towards and can keep your mind focused on more positive thoughts. Goal setting can prevent you from remaining static on an emotional level and can help you to move on.
Have a well-planned structured day
A well-planned structured day can give you meaning and purpose. It can give you a reason to get up and get dressed in the morning and face the day. It can give you a focus and direct your mind in other directions, rather than focusing on your grief.
Keep a journal
Journaling is one of the best ways of working through your emotions. Keeping a track of how you are feeling and coping can show you how far you are coming through your emotional journey. It can help you to identify any negative thoughts that you may be experiencing and can aid in you removing them.
Allow your creative side to flourish
Often, when we are experiencing a deep, emotion, it can bring about a more creative side to us. Think of how many amazing poems, paintings, books and pieces of music have been created during times of emotional angst. Accessing your creative side can trigger a great release of emotions.
Seek help from a counsellor, life coach or therapist
If you are finding it increasingly difficult to move on from grief then you could benefit from talking to a counsellor, life coach or therapist. They are trained to listen and give you the advice and tools that you need to move on.
Getting support from other people
There are many ways of reaching out to people when you are grieving and many people will take great comfort from the support of others. Below are various groups and ways you can look to connect with others;
Family members
Friends
Faith
Support Groups where you can physically meet up with people,
Online support groups dealing in the same areas of grief
Therapists or counsellors
Hobbies and Interests with others to keep you focused
Looking after yourself physically and mentally with others
While a lot of people may feel uncomfortable reaching out to other people when they are grieving it can be of great comfort in the end.
Although family and friends may find it slightly intimidating at first, especially if they are unsure of what to say or how to go about helping you, just knowing that there are people there can bring great comfort, knowing that you don’t have to grieve alone.
What to do when you can’t move on from the loss
For most people, even after a significant loss, the passing of time will ease the feelings of grief that they are feeling. If however, you are finding it difficult to move on then you may have to look at other avenues to help you move through your grief as you may be suffering from complicated grief.
This form of grief is like being stuck in an intense state of mourning, one that you can’t move out from. Signs that you are suffering from complicated grief are;
Focusing solely on the loss that you have experienced
Intense feelings of pain and sorrow
Constant ruminating about your loved one
Feelings that life holds no purpose for you anymore
An inability to enjoy any part of your life with others or to see the positives in life
Persistent longing for the person who has gone
Feelings of intense bitterness about your loss
Complete numbness around the loss
Complicated grief is something that can affect you physically, emotionally, and psychologically. It is something that tends to affect women more than men and older rather than younger generations.
There is no set idea as to what causes complicated grief, factors such as age, sex, personality, environment how you handle situations are all factors. Past stress, anxiety, and PTSD can all be risks to suffering as well as the manner of the loss that has occurred and the closeness of the relationship.
Complications can arise for anyone who is suffering from complicated grief such as;
Anxiety
Depression
Suicidal thoughts
Lack of sleep leads to insomnia
Increased risk of physical illness due to stress such as heart disease, stroke, cancer
Alcohol or substance abuse.
As there is no definite cause as to why some people will suffer from complicated grief, getting help early on to try and prevent it from occurring is advisable, especially if the person has suffered from bouts of depression or anxiety in the past.
Talking - sharing your thoughts and feelings with someone you trust can go a long way to helping you get through a period of grief and can prevent you from getting stuck in a cycle of sadness.
Counselling - For those who are feeling a lot of negativity, seeking out bereavement counselling can help deal with negative thoughts and ideas to stop them from taking hold.
Support Network - Turning to family and friends can be a great comfort during grief. Knowing that you have people there to aid and support you can help you navigate times of extreme grief.
Final Thoughts
Learning to deal with grief healthily is something that can be achieved by following the tips and advice above.
Focusing on your journey and not comparing yourself to someone else is essential. Looking after yourself emotionally and physically, practising self-care, eating well and exercising are also essential.
Taking advantage of people around you who are willing to help you is something that you should accept as the comfort of other people is an important step when recovering from grief.
The process of healing from grief will always be different from one person to another but with the right support and practice, you will be able to move through it.
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