Recognizing negative self-talk

The way we talk and think about ourselves can have a very powerful effect on our mental and emotional state. This internal dialogue can be either good or bad but for many people, the way they talk to and about themselves internally can only be viewed as negative.

Psychologists term this negative self-talk, cognitive distortion and it is both very unhelpful and harmful. This type of mental bad habit can take us to places we really don’t want to go to.

Therefore you have to ask yourself why you do it and how can you stop it.

Negative self-talk is something that everybody does from time to time, maybe some more than others but still, it’s not a condition that just a certain type of person suffers from.

It can be a passing thing that we do once in a while such as “oh you’re so stupid” when we make a mistake to a far more harmful and continual habit of constantly talking ourselves down and thinking negative thoughts all of the time.

The way that we learn to think about ourselves is the same way that our brain learns physical tasks.

Once repeated a number of times it becomes sealed into our brain and it becomes an automatic thought.

Most of us are no doubt aware of the idea that it is our thoughts that influence how we feel, this is the idea of cognitive meditation theory or more simply put circumstances + thoughts = feelings.

Thoughts, therefore, determine how we feel so if we constantly have negative thoughts going around in our head then we are going to feel pretty bad most of the time.

This is something that we need to change but for many people knowing this and bringing about the change required is where they fall.

How to Help Negative Self-Talk

So we want to change how we feel but to do this we have to change what we are thinking and as we have probably been thinking the same way for a long time, it means we have to learn to think differently.

Sounds easy enough but our thoughts are habits in the same way that smoking is a habit and you can’t just stop straight away; we have to re-train our brains to think in different ways to break the habit.

To do this we have to understand first of all when we are doing it, for most people, it is so ingrained into their brains that they are not even aware of times when they are using negative self-talk.

Let’s look at the different ways to identify when you are doing it.

Mind Reading

One of the most common ways in which we use negative self-talk is through mind reading. This means that we constantly tell ourselves what other people are thinking about us by just imagining what is going on inside their heads.

Often we have no evidence to support the thoughts that we come up with, we are literally jumping to conclusions and making assumptions based on thoughts that we have imagined.

For example; a friend doesn’t return a text message straight away and you jump to the conclusion that they do not want to hear from you.

You have no evidence to base this thought on except that they haven’t instantly replied to you and instead of thinking there is a valid reason for the delay, you assume straight away that it is something to do with you negatively.

Fortune Telling

This is the habit of predicting what is going to happen in the future with little or no evidence to support these thoughts. This type of negative self-talk can be very harmful because it can stop you from doing or achieving so much. For example, you don’t try for a promotion because you tell yourself that you would never have got the job anyway…..but how do you know if you don’t try?

Black and White thinking

This is where something is either one way or the other and there is nothing in between and thinking in such a way that you use extreme categories.

It is more commonly used when you are thinking about your characteristics, for example, making a mistake in front of someone and telling yourself, “ You are so clumsy, they will never ask you to do anything again.”

Magnification and Minimization

Magnification is when we take our perceived personal flaws and magnify them. So one small error can have us telling ourselves that we can never do anything right.

We can also view things in the worst possible way. In CBT, we call this way of thinking catastrophizing ie, taking a small incident and turning it into a major disaster in our minds.

Minimization is when we are dismissive of any positive qualities that we possess, we talk ourselves down which keeps us feeling inadequate.

15 ways You can help to challenge negative self-talk

Once you have identified when you are using negative self-talk you can begin to implement tools that will change your way of thinking.

1. Be aware that negative self-talk is happening

When you are aware that negative self-talk is happening then you can do something about it. Be conscious at all times of what you are saying to yourself.

If the thoughts don’t serve you then stop saying them. So much of our thinking comes from a place of being unaware of bad habits. Be aware of the thoughts that you have going through your mind and change them when they are harmful.

2. Start a daily practice of positive affirmations

To drown out the negative self-talk replace your inner dialogue with positive affirmations. These are very effective ways of making you feel much better about yourself quickly. Try,

“ I can do this”

“ I am a great person”

“ This situation doesn’t scare me”

Having a list of positive affirmations to say straight away will start to break the cycle of negative chatter in your head.

3. Start a habit of positive self-talk

Every day take some time to tell yourself all your good qualities. Try first thing in the morning while you are ready to set yourself up for the day ahead. The more you tell yourself the more this will start to replace the negative chatter inside your head and the quicker you will begin to break the destructive habit of negative self-talk.

4. Become mindful, stay in the present moment

Are you aware of how much time you spend living in the past or thinking about the future and how many of these thoughts are negative? You can never change the past and the future is yet to happen so you should stay in the present moment and think mindfully.

There is no point thinking about yesterday you will never have the power to change what has happened and therefore there is no point in negative self-talk about what things you have done. Stay positive and present-focused.

5. Use visualisation techniques to change the focus

If you are someone who lacks confidence or who holds many self-limiting beliefs, then you are no doubt someone who continually uses negative self-talk. Learning to use visualisation techniques will help you to break the habit of negative self-talk.

Visualise yourself in situations where you are in control and confident, where you are doing everything the way that you want to and where you are telling positive stories to yourself about your capabilities.

The brain doesn’t distinguish these positive visualisation techniques from reality and will begin to believe them as true, therefore if you keep up with this practice, this will become your reality.

6. Look at your negative thoughts from someone else’s perspective

Look at how you speak to yourself from the perspective of another person. Would you expect somebody else to speak to you the way that you talk to yourself? No doubt the answer would be “No”, so why do you do it? Would you speak to somebody else the way that you can speak to yourself at times?

Again the answer is probably “No”. Try and only speak to yourself the way that you would speak to another person, the way that you would talk to someone who you care about and replicate the way that they would speak to you.

7. Question the rationality of your thoughts

Is the negative self-talk that you indulge in something that would stand up in a court of law? Is it based on fact or is it all a figment of your imagination?

Questioning the rationality of your thoughts will highlight how untrue they are. Make sure that the thoughts that you have about yourself are based on facts that you can prove without a doubt. Otherwise, you are not only lying to yourself, but you are also damaging yourself as well.

8. Use gratitude to break the negative cycle

When you are grateful for what you have in your life it will automatically make you feel more positive.

Being thankful and appreciating what you have, even when at times you feel that you are lacking is a strong motivator to feeling more optimistic about your life and can help to dispel negative thinking,

Next time you find yourself feeling low and hear negative self-talk in your mind, draw up a mental list of twenty things that you have in your life that you are grateful for. you should feel your emotions lift instantly.

9. Make the study of positivity a focus in your life

Some people seem to go through life rooting out all of the negativity that they can find, make sure that you don’t do this. There is always a lot of negativity that we can plug into if we try, news, social media, and negative people but it does you no favours and will put you in a place of negativity far too easily.

Instead, look for the positives in life, they are all around when you go looking for them. immerse yourself in positive thinking, it is one of the quickest and easiest ways to change your mindset.

10. Learn to be optimistic in your thoughts

I am sure that we all have someone in our lives who always seems like the eternal optimist. They always look on the bright side of life and never seem to worry or let things get them down.

You may wonder how they do this. Is it how they were born? Are they just a little bit crazy to think this way? The fact is that they choose to be happy and optimistic.

This is a choice that everyone can make in their lives. Your emotions are a direct result of your thinking, so choose happy optimistic thoughts and your emotions will mirror them.

11. Adopt a healthy lifestyle

You are what you eat and do in life. Therefore if you want to have a healthy mind and body, then make sure that you eat and exercise, in a way that is going to reflect this.

Eating a healthy, balanced diet will go a long way to aid good mental health and exercising will boost your mood and keep you fit. Make sure that you sleep well and avoid stress. Look after your body and you will be looking after your mind as well.

12. See the funny side of life

How many times have you heard the phrase ” laughter is the best medicine?” I am sure many times and it is always true. Laughter can elevate your mood and can correct negative thinking instantly.

When you are happy, laughing and generally enjoying yourself you will only ever be having good thoughts, you can’t possibly be thinking negatively.

Therefore if you find that your mind is full of negative thinking then do something that you enjoy and that makes you laugh.

13. Keep the company of positive people

When you start to notice negativity in other people you will then be able to pick it up in yourself. Negative thinking is a dangerous activity to do, and having negative people in your life is never going to serve you.

Surround yourself with positive people and pick up on their way of thinking. You will quickly begin to mirror their positive energy, resulting in more positive thinking.

14. Practice stopping the train of negative thoughts

An effective way of cutting off your internal negative self-talk is by performing a physical action when you catch yourself doing it, such as wearing an elastic band around your wrist and snapping it when you are speaking negatively or saying the word “STOP” out loud to break the thought pattern.

15. Speak to a Professional

If you find working on your own to be too daunting when it comes to changing your way of thinking, then consider working with a professional.

Coaching can aid in changing the way that you think and can give you the tools that you need to change your mindset. Often, being accountable to someone else is a great way of getting motivated.

Thoughts such as “I am not good enough” or “ I always fail” can be challenged by a coach to help you think differently.

Having someone work with you who has a different view from your own can help to put your thinking into a completely different perspective.

Many of the thoughts that you have, day in and day out, will tend to be the same thoughts that you have every day, this means that you will be having the same negative thoughts daily as well.

This in turn leads them to become habits, you think of them because that’s what you do. You need to break this habit, this is where coaching can really aid you, in breaking these negative thinking habits once and for all.

Final Thoughts

If you want to change your negative thinking then you have to be prepared to make the change. You can help to challenge negative self-talk by following the tips above.

These tips are designed to give you easy, manageable, proactive ways to notice when you are thinking negatively and then change your thinking.

It is something that will take some time, no sustained, persistent habit is broken overnight, but with commitment, dedication and time you can manage the negative chatter in your mind and shut it down for good.

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