Why am I so hard on myself?

Imagine if we treated everybody in our world the same as we treat ourselves at times. Have you ever noticed that voice inside your head telling yourself all of the things that you do wrong and thinking “How do I stop being so hard on myself?” This constant habit we have of knocking ourselves down, criticizing ourselves and causing pain is something that needs to stop but how do you go about it?

This negative chatter that we have going on in our head isn’t something that we were born with, this is something that we have acquired over time, this is all learned behaviour that we have picked up from other people. Think back to when you were younger, were you bullied at school?

Did you have a particular teacher who used to single you out? Were your parents dismissive or degrading to you at times? All of these situations can lead to low self-esteem and self-limiting beliefs.

To combat this belief system that we hold, the first thing that we need to do is to establish why we are being so hard on ourselves.

We have all done it from time to time, called ourselves stupid because we have forgotten to do something, beaten ourselves up because we don’t like the way we look in an outfit.

There are others though who consistently go through life being hard on themselves for everything they seem to do, think, wear, say and act. Now is the time to start breaking this habit.

What are the signs of being too hard on yourself?

The awful thing is that many people have no idea that they are being so hard on themselves. This behaviour that they have lived by for so many years is unseen to them. It has become so ingrained that they hardly notice that they are being so hard on themselves. It might only be if someone else brings it to their attention that they even notice it is a habit that they have.

Why you shouldn't be so hard on yourself

Constantly judging yourself and treating yourself badly is detrimental to you emotionally and physically. As we move through our lives there are always going to be challenges thrown in our path, we need to start learning to address any situations that arise from a level perspective and start treating ourselves in the same way that we would treat other people when setbacks occur.

What then are the signs that you are being so hard on yourself? Do you ever do any of the following?;

• constantly talk yourself down

• always be the first to admit to being in the wrong, even if you aren’t

• make yourself the butt of everyone’s jokes

• constantly berate your actions

• think that you are worthless

• allow other people to talk badly to you

• allow other people to treat you badly

• find fault in everything that you do

• never celebrate your successes

• never admit to ever being successful

• never be compassionate with yourself

• never offering yourself any self-care

• never believe that you are capable of achieving anything

• always putting other people's feelings and needs before your own

• feeling that you aren’t where you should be in your life

• worrying that your job isn’t good enough

• casting doubt on your goals and ambitions constantly

• judging your looks against other people and finding fault with yourself

• constantly comparing your life to other people and feeling you don’t measure up.

  If you find that you are doing any of the above behaviour on a regular basis then you are in the habit of being hard on yourself.

Examples of being hard on yourself

There are many simple errors in life that everyone can fall foul of and they are no reason to be hard on yourself and yet some people will be. We can all fall into the trap of punishing ourselves or being too hard on ourselves at times. At the end of the day, though we are only human and we all make mistakes.

For anyone who is a perfectionist, this can be a particularly harsh trait to have. There are always going to be times when we fall short of our expectations or the expectations of others. Work pressures will often mean that we don’t perform at our best all of the time, and home life can often be so stressful and hectic that we can make errors without meaning to, which affects other people as well as ourselves.

• who hasn’t at some time been late for work and felt that they have let themselves and their work colleagues down?

• forgotten a special occasion and then not forgiving themselves because they believe that they have deeply upset another person?

• who hasn’t at some time or another overindulged in food or alcohol and then constantly knocked themselves for their bad dietary choices, telling themselves all of the harm that they have done?

• passing judgment on somebody else without thinking first and then have been racked with guilt for a long time afterwards?

• Or being so judgmental of any actions that they have made that they stress so much, they can start to seriously affect their lives?

• do you constantly measure your appearance against someone else and then critique how you look, dress or appear to other people? This one is especially damaging in the society that we live in today when so much is measured against personal appearance and so much of what we are exposed to online is all smoke and mirrors anyway.

All of these examples demonstrate the times that we can all be hard on ourselves. Not letting mistakes or slip-ups occur and moving on, instead talking to ourselves in a way that we would never speak to other people.

This is where we have to stop being so hard on ourselves and learn to treat ourselves in a more loving and forgiving manner.

At the end of the day, nobody has a perfect life, career, family or home life, we are all making it up to some extent as we go along. We can only measure our lives against ourselves and need to stop comparing ourselves to other people.

How to stop being hard on yourself

Treating ourselves badly stems from learned behaviour. All learned behaviour can be unlearned. It may take time and effort but it is surely putting in the time and effort to be more loving and forgiving to ourselves. Treating ourselves in such harsh and unforgiving ways can lead to serious illnesses such as stress and depression.

It can harm our relationships with family, friends and work colleagues and it can hamper our ability to enjoy our life and live it fully.

If you want to start making the change in your own life then follow the tips below;

1. Do something that makes you feel good

   Let’s start here. Do something that you know will make you feel good. Even the most self-critical person knows something that they are good at and that they enjoy doing.

   The more you partake in activities that make you feel good, the easier you will allow other things in your life to make you feel good.

   This is one of the best ways to start breaking the negative habit of being hard on yourself and learning to acknowledge some of your good attributes.

   We often have core beliefs in our brains that tell us we are not deserving enough to have a good time or to do something that we enjoy. Turn off that negative monologue by doing something that makes you feel great.

2. Write down how you are thinking

   By writing down thoughts and feelings, you can begin to build up a picture of the negative chatter in your head and what situations start it off. Many of these self-limiting beliefs and negative thoughts will be stashed away in our subconscious

   Our subconscious is there to keep us safe and to protect us from thoughts that it feels will damage us. Make a pact with yourself that you are not going to dwell on the thoughts that you write down and then get to work. Write down all of the thoughts that you have that are in some way harmful to you.

   It could be something that happened when you were in primary school, whatever they are just get them down on paper and then the moment you have finished writing them down start ripping them to pieces. Remember, don’t read what you wrote, you have made a pact with yourself not to do this. This action can be very cathartic, ridding the brain of long-held distorted beliefs.

3. Rid yourself of negative people.

   Ever had one of those friends in your life who constantly seems to want to put you down to make themselves feel better? This is the type of personality you definitely don’t need in your life so get rid of them. As harsh as it may sound, they are not serving you and are doing you more harm than good, so cut them out of your life altogether.

4. Be kind to yourself

   Begin to be kind to yourself. Talk to yourself as you would to someone you care about. Saying a list of positive affirmations to yourself out loud morning and evening is one of the best ways to start removing self-limiting beliefs and begin supplanting new belief systems into the brain. If you find it too difficult at first to speak out loud, write them down and read them to yourself.

5. Get help from a professional

   If you find the task of changing your self-limiting beliefs too daunting or really don’t know where to begin then reach out to a professional. Coaching will give you the time, space and accountability to really start to understand your thinking and examine your self-limiting beliefs.

   You will have access to some of the best tools to get you to the stage of understanding your core beliefs, negative automatic thoughts and the way that your brain functions and then use the tools to develop a new mindset.

   All this is done with the encouragement of a professional who will understand your issues and who will be there to aid in your mental change.

6. Practise some self-care

Taking time out for yourself every day and showing yourself some self-love is a great way to start changing your mindset.

By showing yourself that you are worthy and deserving of being pampered and cared for, you will start to believe in your self-worth.

This could be something as simple as treating yourself to a delicious coffee or taking time to sit reading a book.

Having a haircut or buying something new to wear. Whatever you decide to do, make sure that it is something that you truly enjoy and something that makes you feel special and cared for. We all owe it to ourselves to be kind and loving and to stop judging ourselves and being hard.

Final Thoughts

Only you can make a change in your life. If you have been thinking “How do I stop being so hard on myself?” and have a real desire to change then you need to be the one to do it.

Looking after yourself, putting yourself first and ridding your life of negative personalities are some of the first steps you need to take. You know it will take time as nothing can be changed overnight.

These thoughts will need consistent time and effort to develop a new mindset but it can be done and your life will be better for it.

Are you ready to reach out and get some help? If you would like to know more about how life coaching can help you to change your mindset and rid yourself of negative thinking then click on the link. Start changing your mindset today

If you would like to listen to the audio version of the post click on the link below

Comment and share below if you have any tips on being hard on yourself, or if you have enjoyed this blog post