What are the signs of a controlling person?

I bet you have had many conversations along the lines of “No let’s eat here I prefer it,” or “No if you got this way it will save so much more time than the way you are suggesting.” These simple sentences may seem innocuous enough but if you hear them enough, they may highlight a more insidious problem, that you have a controlling person in your life.

Once you realise this is the case, you may start asking how you live with controlling people. It could be that the controlling person is someone that you can’t just drop from your life, so you are going to have to learn some empowering ways to deal with them.

Many people can be controlling, a partner, friends, work colleagues, your boss, parents, family members and neighbours.

A controlling individual will have various habits to look out for;

• they insist on everything being done their way

• they lie

• they are often unpredictable

• they need to be the centre of attention all the time

• they can dictate everything that you do

• they want to know where you are going and who with

• they can take control of finances

• they never take the blame

A controlling person can make you feel undermined, threatened and intimidated. They can also make you feel worthless or stupid if they keep putting you down. At times the controlling person may just make you feel annoyed or irritated if their symptoms aren’t too severe but they can also become abusive and things can escalate out of control if you don’t start to handle the situation.

What causes a person to be controlling?

Various underlying factors can cause a person to be controlling towards others;

• Learned behaviour if they have grown up in a family where there was a controlling personality

• Stress or anxiety. Controlling situations is one way for a person to cope if they are stressed or anxious

• Personality disorders. Someone with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) or borderline personality disorder (BPD) can be controlling

• Low self-esteem

• Insecurity

• OCD

Dealing with a controlling person can start to have serious consequences for you. They can make you feel humiliated, small, and embarrassed, and can start to affect all areas of your life.

If you are dealing with a controlling boss or work colleague, they can make you dread going to work and can start to have a detrimental effect on your work performance.

If it is a romantic relationship the situation can become more abusive the longer it is left. If the controlling personality is a family member or friend then it can begin to damage the relationship that you have.

Whatever the relationship, you need to know how to handle a controlling personality before the situation starts to get totally out of hand.

Having a controlling relationship doesn’t mean that the relationship is doomed to failure. If you put various practices in place then you can still have a happy, fulfilling relationship.

21 Ways to live with a controlling person

1. Recognise the other person’s controlling behaviour

The first thing that you need to be able to do is to identify and admit to someone being controlling. It might be that they never raise their voice and you may never feel threatened but there can be many subtle ways that they have control over you or try to.

Recognising their controlling behaviour is the first step to stopping it or getting out of the relationship - you need to do what is best for you.

2. Identify what brings on the controlling behaviour

A person may be more controlling when they are stressed and anxious and the rest of the time, you may have a very balanced happy relationship. Identifying what brings about someone’s controlling behaviour is one way to help them change it. They may not be aware that they are even doing it.

3. Refuse to accept the manipulation

If you are feeling any negative emotion about the way that someone is treating you, you need to refuse to accept the situation. If a boss or work colleague is controlling you need to bring it to the attention of another person in your workplace. Nobody should have to put up with such behaviour.

4. Assess your reaction with consideration

If you feel that you are in a controlling relationship you need to know how to handle the situation and how to react to the other person’s behaviour. If you are confident to confront their behaviour then do but if you are wary then consider other ways. Never put yourself in a dangerous situation, always assess your reaction with care and consideration.

5. Keep relaxed and calm in the face of criticism

If you are having to deal with someone controlling it can be tiring and can start to wear you down. Try to keep relaxed and calm in the situation so as not to make the situation even more incendiary which can cause you more stress.

6. Establish your boundaries and stick to them

We all need boundaries and when dealing with a controlling personality, it is important to establish firm boundaries and make sure that you stick to them. Anyone who has respect and understanding for you will respect the boundaries that you set. If they don’t then you need to consider not being around them.

7. Try to avoid a direct confrontation

Confrontation can only ever make stressful situations worse. If you are in the presence of a controlling personality, try to avoid confronting them as it could be the reaction they are looking to evoke from you.

8. Don’t feel personally responsible for their controlling behaviour

You are never responsible for the behaviour of another person, regardless of what they may say to you. In the same way that you can’t change someone, you can’t be responsible for their behaviour. If someone is trying to shift the blame for their actions onto you don’t allow them to.

9. Be aware when controlling behaviour becomes abusive

You need to be aware when controlling behaviour becomes abusive behaviour. There is a huge difference between being annoyed about someone’s controlling behaviour and being irritated by them, to being afraid of that person.

If you feel that their behaviour has moved or is going to move into abusive behaviour, then you need to put a safety plan into place. A safety plan can help you to leave an abusive environment and can make you feel safe.

10. Demand independence for your feelings and views

Everyone is entitled to hold their views and to have their feelings about circumstances. No one should ever feel that they have the right to tell you how to think and feel.

You need to be very aware if someone is trying to enforce their thoughts and feelings onto you or if they are trying to make you think and behave in the same way as themselves. This is controlling behaviour and you can’t allow it.

11. Don’t allow yourself to be disrespected

You need to have respect for yourself, and other people need to also have respect for you. A lack of respect is detrimental to any relationship and needs to be addressed. If you believe that you aren’t being respected, you need to take charge of the situation. Walking away to prevent arguments can help, or put your point of view across in a measured and reasoned way.

12. Use humour to defuse the tension

Using humour to defuse a tense situation can be a great tool. If someone is controlling due to stress or anxiety, making light of the situation or injecting humour can really help.

13. Realize some people won’t change and ask yourself how to deal with it

You can never change anyone, regardless of how you try, we are the only ones who can change ourselves. If someone has a controlling personality, they are the only one with the power to change.

If they don’t want to change or won’t change, nothing you can say or do will alter this.

It is then up to you to decide how you want to deal with this situation. Do you want to stay in the relationship or are you going to leave? If you have no choice but to continue with the relationship then you have to come up with ways that you can deal with their behaviour and still be happy.

14. Maintain assertive body language

Assertive body language is a strong coping mechanism when dealing with controlling behaviour. If you come across as strong and assured and unintimidated you will be in a much stronger position and could be less likely to be the recipient of unacceptable behaviour.

Anyone who comes across as meek and easily manipulated could find themselves far easier targets.

15. Find the courage to assert yourself

It can be difficult standing up to people, especially if they play to your weaker points or you are intimidated by them or find that they have a hold over you that you can’t escape, such as being your boss.

Finding the courage to be assertive though can put you in a much stronger position. Although you may feel it is too difficult, finding other people who are suffering the same as you can give you the courage that you need to assert yourself.

16. Change the environment when controlling behaviour occurs

If you find that you are suddenly in the middle of controlling behaviour, try and change the environment as quickly as possible. Leave the room, or invite different people into the environment.

You can also try changing the conversation or changing the mood.

17. Express your feelings about their behaviour

Someone can be a controlling personality and not be aware that they are being so. If someone is controlling only when they are stressed or anxious, they could be totally oblivious to their behaviour and how it is making you feel. Bring it to their attention and tell them how they are making you feel.

This could change their behaviour and could also make them realise the stress or anxiety that they are suffering from.

18. Try to avoid being dependent on a controlling person emotionally and fiscally

Being independent of a controlling person will put you in a much stronger position. If they have fiscal control over you, you will be in a much more vulnerable place. Try and be as independent as possible.

Also, try to not let them have too much control over your emotions and don’t be too dependent on their emotions. Have a network of people around you that you trust and respect, don’t let a controlling person have full access to your emotions.

19. Be prepared and practise saying no

Learn to use the word” no” and mean it. If you don’t want to do something say “no”, if you don’t agree with someone get your point across.

Always saying “yes” is only ever going to make a controlling person more controlling and create more problems if you do finally stand up for yourself.

Start saying no as soon as you notice controlling behaviour beginning to take charge of the situation.

Remember you never have to justify to anyone why you are saying no.

20. Consider ending the relationship if things don't improve

If you are in a romantic relationship with controlling behaviour and you are feeling stifled. threatened or scared then you need to consider ending the relationship. Have your safety plan in place and don’t wait until the relationship becomes threatening or violent to leave.

21. Seek the help of a life coach

Talking to a professional can help you develop skills and tactics for dealing with a controlling person if you feel that you can’t do it alone.

They can help you to improve your confidence and self-esteem develop coping strategies and give you tools to apply. Talking through with another person can be very beneficial and can put a situation into perspective.

Final Thoughts

One thing a controlling personality can try and do is to make you feel that you are always wrong and that you are always at fault. This way of grinding you down and keeping you in your place can have serious repercussions on how you feel about yourself and how you interact with others.

Discovering how to live with controlling people means that you can start to take back control of yourself. You need to learn to make boundaries, become assertive and say no.

Everyone is entitled to live their life their way, to think, feel and do what they want without anyone controlling them.

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