What exactly is loneliness?

We can all feel lonely from time to time it is a normal human emotion and there are many reasons for it. One person’s experience of being lonely may be different from another, each experience will be personal to the individual. Many people choose to be alone, they prefer living alone and they are happy to be away from busy social situations.

For many though, loneliness is not a lifestyle choice, the ONS in the UK has found that 45% of adults feel lonely from time to time which equates to roughly 25 million people.

Loneliness in 2020 has increased to even greater numbers. It was seen to be prevalent before the coronavirus pandemic began in the Spring but since then more and more people have found themselves becoming increasingly lonely and isolated.

A study by the Mental Health Foundation found that during the first Spring lockdown in the UK, more people felt isolated due to the social distancing measures that were put in place, a situation that was exacerbated during the second lockdown during the Winter months when people often feel more lonely and isolated due to the shorter, darker days.

Loneliness, by definition, is described as “sadness because one has no friends or company. “(Oxford Languages) but loneliness is a complex feeling and can affect people in many different ways. It is not just about being alone, it is about not feeling connected to the people around you.

Loneliness is a subjective experience, it is the emotional and cognitive impact that it has on someone.

What causes loneliness?

There are many different causes of loneliness. One person’s understanding of loneliness may not be another’s.

Certain life events can bring about feelings of loneliness;

• Experiencing the death of a loved one

• Going through a breakup

• Moving to a new area

• Changing jobs

• Retiring from a job and losing contact with people you have worked with

• Illness

• Going to University

  Different times of the year can bring about feelings of loneliness or isolation;

• Christmas and New Year

• Holidays

• Birthdays and Anniversaries.

Who is most affected by loneliness?

Although everybody can be affected by spells of loneliness in their lives certain groups of people tend to suffer more than others;

• People without friends or family

• People who are estranged from their family

• Careers who can not get out to socialize

• Single parents who cannot meet up with people easily

• People with disabilities who often feel excluded from different social activities

• People who lack money

• People with health problems

• People who experience discrimination because of their race, gender, or sexual orientation.

Loneliness and mental health issues

Although loneliness isn’t a mental health problem in and of itself, it can exacerbate conditions that are related to mental health issues. People who suffer from conditions such as social anxiety or low self-esteem, depression, anxiety, or stress can often find that they are far more susceptible to feelings of loneliness and isolation.

With a condition such as social anxiety, people will feel disconnected from society and isolated from people around them which in turn will lead to loneliness setting in. Low self-esteem and lacking confidence are real triggers for people feeling lonely.

For people who have spent a long time living with low self-esteem or low confidence, these feelings can be so deep-rooted that they can not easily escape them. Conditions such as severe anxiety or depression can mean that people are not able to face going out into the world and socializing which can lead to them suffering from lack of contact and strong feelings of loneliness.

Ways to deal with loneliness

For many people, life can generally feel overwhelming, especially times such as now though, when people are afraid of what is going on in the world.

There is a news overload at present and the contents of the news and social media can be real triggers for many.

People are being kept apart, they are being encouraged to work from home and for many the usual places to meet up are closed at present, meaning that social contact is extremely limited.

Often what can happen is that people will begin to believe that they are the only ones who are dealing with a sense of loneliness and this can bring about feelings of guilt and shame. This is therefore a good reason to reach out to people and try to find areas of connection with others.

21 Tips for overcoming loneliness

1. Realise you are not the only one feeling this way

   We can all suffer from the thinking that when something negative is happening in life, it is only happening to us. If we look around us though, we can see that so many are in the same situation. Realising that you are not the only lonely person can help with your thoughts and feelings.

2. Use the power of journaling to express yourself

   Journaling is a great tool to use to empty your head of negative, unwanted thoughts and as a way to examine why you are thinking the way that you are. If loneliness is making you feel depressed, journaling can help you to identify the thoughts that you are having and can establish unhelpful patterns of thoughts.

3. Try doing some volunteer work as a way to meet people

   There are many local voluntary organisations around that are always looking for people who have spare time and can do some voluntary work. This is a great environment to meet people and get to know a local area. Volunteering is a fantastic way of giving something back and can raise spirits and make you feel so much better.

4. Join a class to learn something new

   If you have moved to a new area and are looking to make some new friends or are feeling lonely and want to get out and meet other like-minded people then take advantage of classes that are held in your local area. Joining a course is a great way to meet new people with the added guarantee of already having something in common with them.

5. Try contacting old friends and acquaintances

   Often we have had good friendships that for one reason or another we have just let drift. It could be that you got married, changed jobs, moved some or just had a busy life that you lost connection with them. Try reaching out to people from your past and reconnecting with them. There is every chance that they are feeling the same way so it is always worth picking up the phone and reaching out to them.

6. Take advantage of a Befriender service.

   Befriender services are organisations that have volunteers who connect with people who are feeling lonely. They can visit you at your home or call you for a regular chat.

7. Join a group related to one or more of your hobbies

   Take advantage of the hobbies and interests that you have and get out there and join a group related to it. Whether it is a tennis club, book group or rambling association, joining can open up a whole new world of friendships with like-minded people.

8. Take up a physical activity such as a walking group, sporting club or visit a gym

Exercise is one of the best ways to make yourself feel good mentally as well as physically. If you are feeling lonely then try joining a gym or local walking group as a way of getting out and meeting people as well as keeping fit and healthy.

Good mental health can help to combat stress and anxiety which are sometimes factors in people suffering from loneliness.

9. Make sure you get enough sleep

If there was ever a panacea in life then it would surely be sleep. Sleep is one of the best remedies around for so many ailments both physical and mental. How many times have you heard the phrase “you’ll feel better in the morning”?

A good night’s sleep can put a different perspective on how you are thinking and feeling. It can aid in stress and anxiety and can help to raise your vibration and feel happier and more positive about your situation.

10. Eat healthily and maintain good blood sugar levels

Our moods can be greatly affected by the food and drink that we put into our system. A dip in blood sugar can leave us feeling drained and depressed, whilst too much sugar, alcohol and processed food can play havoc with our blood sugar levels. Eat a healthy, balanced diet to make sure that your blood sugar levels remain stable throughout the day.

11. Use the power of gratitude to help you feel better

Using the power of gratitude is an excellent way of making you take stock of the situation that you are in. Often, when people are suffering from loneliness, they can feel that they have nothing good going on in their lives, which can lead them to a more depressed state.

Looking at everything that you have in your life and being grateful for it can raise your spirits and make you feel much better about life. Be grateful for your health, money, where you live, the job that you have and the food that you eat. When you really look, there are many things to be grateful for.

12. Don't overindulge in alcohol or other drugs

Drugs and alcohol can be real depressants in the system, so they are best to be avoided. The high that you get will soon be replaced by feeling depressed and low, making your situation appear worse than it is.

13. Think about getting a pet

Often one of the worst aspects of feeling lonely is the lack of physical contact with another person. That other living presence.

A pet can fill many a void in a person’s life by providing companionship. A pet will fulfil the basic need that humans have - touch. They are loyal and consistent and can fill a gap in a person’s life in an amazing and dedicated way.

14. Practise self-care on a daily basis

Looking after yourself can be a good distraction from feeling lonely. It gives you focus and meaning. Eating healthy food, exercising and sleeping well will all help mentally.

Read a book, learn a new skill or hobby, and fill your mind and day with activities that interest you and engage you.

15. Make the most of your existing friendships and other relationships

When other people reach out to you make sure that you acknowledge it. So often we can imagine that we are lonely because we don’t have a significant other in our lives for example but we could have a network of other people reaching out and not noticing. Make the most of the people that you do have in your life embrace their friendship and value them.

16. Try chatting with strangers when you are out

When you are out and about in the day, try chatting with people that you meet. If you are walking a dog, stop and chat with other dog walkers. Chat with people in shops or at a bus stop. Many people will be in the same position and will be more than happy to stop and have a chat.

17. Plan your days to keep yourself busy and organised

If you are feeling lonely, it is never a good idea to wake up and have the whole day stretching before you with nothing to do. This can lead to too much rumination about your current situation and can make you feel worse. Instead, plan your day with meaningful activities that you enjoy doing and that keep your mind active and engaged.

18. Spend more time in nature

The University of Essex has produced research to show how being outside in nature can help loneliness. Spending time in the natural environment – as a resident or a visitor – improves our mental health and feelings of well-being. It can combat loneliness and bind communities together. ref

19. Be kind to yourself and others

When we are feeling one negative emotion, it can often produce others. Blaming yourself for being lonely, can make you be more judgemental of yourself in other areas of your life or other people.

Practice being kind and non-judgemental to yourself and those around you.

20. Develop your creative side

Writers and artists have long been people who are drawn to solitude. It is perhaps because in this environment they are free to create their work without interruption and distraction from others.

Loneliness and time alone can help you harness your more creative side. “When an individual is lonely, there's often more mental and emotional space for self-reflection, imaginal thinking, and reminiscing about the past” Carla Marie Manly, PhD

21. Speak to a life coach or therapist

People can suffer from loneliness for many different reasons, some obvious and some not so obvious. Individuals will often find that engaging the services of a life coach or therapist can help them to reach more of an understanding as to why they are lonely and to develop ways of combating loneliness.

Final Thoughts

What we must all remember is that loneliness is a feeling, not a fact. The feelings of loneliness come about through what we are thinking. Of course, there are circumstances that bring about loneliness, such as the death of a loved one but we have to be aware that our thoughts bring about the feelings that we experience.

We can so often get feelings and facts mixed up and can believe that what we are feeling is a fact but by changing our thoughts we can change the way that we feel.

Even if you are alone changing the thoughts that you have to more positive ones can have a huge impact on your mental well-being and how you feel about a situation.

This in turn can lead to you changing your course of action and being more proactive in going out and meeting people or connecting with people which can lead to your feelings of loneliness decreasing.

We are all bigger than our thoughts, and being mindful of what we are thinking can be the difference between feeling positive thoughts and negative ones.

Although sometimes it may seem like the hardest thing in the world to admit to other people how you are feeling, telling family or friends that you are lonely can have a very positive effect.

Opening up to people can make them very receptive to you and can make deeper connections with the people in your life.

Loneliness doesn’t have to be your position in life forever. There are many actionable steps that you can take to improve the quality of your life.

If you find that you are having problems dealing with your thoughts on your own then there are many people that you can reach out to.

Talking with people qualified to help can really help you through difficult times. Coaching can aid in using various CBT and Mindfulness techniques to help you understand and work through the thoughts that you may be having.

At the end of the day what we have to remember is that we can all feel lonely at times, there is no shame in how you are feeling, and reaching out to someone can be the first step in helping you to a greater sense of overall well-being.

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