What is people-pleasing?

Are you the type of person who finds it hard to say no? Do you say yes to everything even when sometimes you are screaming No!! inside? Do you want everyone to like you and so find that you are never true to yourself? If this is you then it’s time you learned to stop trying to please everyone and focus on yourself.

We’ve all done it, said yes to things we don’t want to do, committed to something that we don’t have time for, gone out when we really wanted to stay in or eat somewhere we don’t like so as not to cause a fuss.

From time to time putting yourself out for someone else is no big deal. Those who consistently say yes to everyone but themselves will find that they are stuck in the people-pleasing trap, a place no one wants to be, bending over backwards trying to accommodate everyone and never living the life they want to be living.

What causes people-pleasing?

People pleasers try to make others happy and they will do whatever this takes to make it happen, even if it means putting themselves out in some way.

It’s someone who says yes to everybody when they often want to say no. It’s someone who puts the needs of those around them always before their own needs.

It is more than just being a nice person and trying to help others and make them happy. It involves changing their behaviours and thoughts to fit in with what others want or what they assume others want and need.

The thing with people pleasers is that it doesn’t make them happy, this behaviour often makes them feel resentful and put upon. The reason they behave in that way often stems from insecurities and low self-esteem, a need to be liked and accepted by everybody.

Are you a people pleaser? Tell-tale signs to look out for

• You can’t say no

• You need people around you to like you

• You agree with someone even when you don’t really agree

• You give in to everybody

• You have no free time for yourself

• You don’t like conflict so always try to avoid it

• It’s easy for others to take advantage of you

• You have a low opinion of yourself

• You apologise even when it’s not your fault

• You often feel resentful and frustrated.

19 Steps to Stop people-pleasing

How we behave around people often stems from what we think people are thinking about us. The mind is a powerful place and can have us believing all sorts of things, often very unhelpful and damaging to ourselves and people-pleasing falls into this category.

We can make many assumptions about what another person thinks about us and therefore we try to mould our behaviour to them in the way that we believe they think about us. This is a habit that needs to be broken.

You need to take back control of your life and be there for yourself instead of everybody else.

1. Set Boundaries

   One of the most effective ways of breaking the people-pleasing habit is to set boundaries for yourself. If you find that people are constantly asking things of you, you need to set limits for yourself and be assertive, even if this takes you out of your comfort zone. Setting boundaries is a way of protecting and nurturing yourself. When people around you understand the line that can’t be crossed, then you will develop more respectful and harmonious relationships.

2. Don’t always offer….wait until you are asked before you act

   Instead of always offering yourself up to be the one who does everything, just wait to see if you are asked first. People-pleasers often take on far too many commitments because they offer in the first instance. Instead, wait to see if someone actually requires something of you. If someone really needs you they will ask and then you can decide if it is something you are willing to do.

3. Practice putting yourself first….invest in some self-care

   Most people have busy lives and are willing to pass things off for other people to do, whether this is at work or at home. Start thinking about yourself first. Self-care is crucial to maintaining a healthy life and healthy relationships. If you feel that you always put everybody first and that it is never reciprocated, you will begin to feel resentful. This is a situation that serves no one. Start deciding what are your needs and wants and make them your priority.

4. Just say “No”…..practice the art of assertive communication

   This can be one of the hardest tasks for a people-pleaser to perform, assertive communication. How many times will you have longed to say no but yes came out instead and then immediately afterwards you felt annoyed or put upon?

   Mastering the word “No” takes time and effort but it is something that you have to do to rid yourself of your people-pleasing ways

5. Use delay tactics

   This tip can help with assertive communication as well. If somebody asks you to do something instead of automatically agreeing, say that you will have to get back to them at a later date. This will give you time to consider whether you really want to commit to the situation.

   It may be something that you are willing to do on reflection but it may also be something that will cause you a lot of stress and time. Having a delay in answering a person will make it easier for you to say no if that is what you want to do.

   If someone pressures you for an automatic answer, have “no” as your default, you can always change your mind later on if you want…..far easier than being stuck doing something that you didn’t want to do in the first place.

6. Don’t feel the need to give excuses for your answer

   This is an important point to stick to. If you have decided to say no to someone, they do not need to have a reason as to why you have answered in this way. By forcing an answer to explain why you have said no, they are liable to make you change your mind if they don’t feel that the reason is suitable. You don’t need to defend the decision that you have made.

7. Be true to yourself and your own thoughts

Being true to yourself is a simple way to stop people-pleasing. We all have our thoughts, our own values and belief systems, this is what makes us us. If you aren’t being true to yourself, then you are adopting the values and beliefs of someone else and so are not living your life authentically.

You need to be true to yourself and your thoughts. If others dislike this then they aren’t the people you need in your life anyway. People who love and respect you will want you to be your true authentic self.

8. Focus on the goals you have set for yourself

It’s your life so it’s up to you to set your goals. You need to focus on the goals that you have set for yourself to make sure that you reach them. If anyone else is unhappy about this then you need to remove them from your life.

You need to have loving supportive friends and family who will want you to reach your goals and who will support you along the way. If someone isn’t prepared to do this then they need to go.

9. Keep in mind you can’t make everyone happy

It’s not up to you to make anyone happy and you certainly can’t make everyone happy so there is no point in even trying. The only person who you should be making happy is yourself, it’s up to others to make themselves happy.

10. Ask for help when it is needed

We all want to help people at times, and we all want to please people at times, that said we all need help at times too. Never be afraid to ask people around you for help. You aren’t there to be at the beck and call of everyone all of the time.

People around you need to understand that at times they will have to be there for you and be prepared to help you out. We are all required to give and take in our relationships.

11. Always understand you have choices in life

We are born with free will and we can all make our own choices in life. Yes, there are going to be times when you will want to do something with someone but there will also be times when you want to make your own choice and go your own way. It is perfectly acceptable that you do this, never let someone else try and prevent you from making your own choices.

12. Don’t let yourself get manipulated

Never be manipulated into doing something that you don’t want to do. There are always going to be people in life who will use emotional blackmail to get you to do something that you don’t want, you need to stand up to them.

We can all be healthily influenced by other people, you need to understand the difference between manipulation and influence.

13. Don’t feel the need to repeat past behaviour

If you have done something in the past that wasn’t good for you, don’t feel that you need to repeat it, even if someone else wants you to. You never need to do something that you don’t enjoy or that doesn’t sit well with you, regardless of other people. If you have learned from an experience, stick to it.

14. Think of your happiness before other people

We all need to put our happiness first at times. Thinking about your happiness isn’t selfish, it is essential. You are just as important and deserving as people around you and you need to remember this. Your happiness is just as important as everyone else’s so do what makes you happy.

15. Spend some quality time on your own

Spending quality time on your own can be one of the most important self-care rituals that you do. Yes, it’s lovely having people around us but it is equally lovely having quality time to ourselves to indulge in our own favourite pastimes.

Alone time can be one of the most important times to recharge batteries relax and unwind. Never let someone put pressure on you to spend some time in your own company.

16. Take time to think about a request

Don’t just jump into saying “yes” to something, take time to process and weigh up the request before you commit to it. Is it going to be something that you want to do? Do you have the time, money, resources or energy? Does it sit well with your values and beliefs? These are all of the questions you need to ask before accepting.

17. Analyse anything you are going commit to very carefully

Your time is precious so make sure that you have thought through and analysed very carefully anything that you commit to. If it’s not something that you want to do 100% then don’t do it.

18. Be truthful about how you really feel

So many times we can be so afraid of hurting someone’s feelings that we say yes to something when we really want to say no. But this is no better because we are lying to them and ourselves and are not fully committed to what we are doing.

It is far better, to be honest with someone about how you really feel concerning a situation than lie to them.

19. Accept yourself as you are

You are you and that is all you need to be. When you accept yourself for who you are so will other people. You don’t need to pretend to be anyone else, you are enough. The people who are in your life and who accept you for who you are are the people you want in your life. If someone doesn’t accept you for who you are then they shouldn’t be in your life.

Breaking free from the people-pleasing role

You can’t be all things to all people, this is an impossibility in life. Yes, we all want to please people around us at some time or other, our boss, partner, parents, friends, whoever it may be this is a natural part of being human and having relationships.

The danger comes when we spend all of our time thinking about pleasing others and never thinking about ourselves.

This in the long run will lead to a whole host of problems, from stress, exhaustion, resentment, and low self-esteem.

Final Thoughts

If you feel that you do spend your life pleasing others, now is the time to break the habit. If you find that you are having problems doing this by yourself then working with a life coach is what you need.

They can give you the tools to break the people-pleasing habit and to start living your life for you.

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