How do you deal with difficult Ageing parents?

Watching parents age and decline can be a traumatising, emotional and stressful time for many people, especially if they are caregivers.

Finding ways to cope with ageing parents can often seem exhausting and you can feel as if your life is no longer yours.

It can also be made more difficult if you are offering advice they won’t take, they are refusing to relinquish control when they need to, or they are no longer capable of making their own decisions but refuse to see.

When you are placed in situations such as the ones mentioned above, you need practical tips and advice to hand so you have coping strategies in place when you need them.

Why is taking care of an ageing parent so stressful?

There are many reasons why taking care of an ageing parent can be stressful.

You can suddenly find yourself working through situations you have never dealt with. It’s one thing having to do their weekly grocery shopping, clean their house and sort out their finances, and another entirely different situation when dealing with far more emotional and personal situations such as having to bathe an elderly parent or negotiate incontinence issues.

It is often left to daughters to take over the caregiver role. This can leave them emotionally and physically exhausted, especially if they working and raising a family.

The stress of looking after an elderly parent can accumulate over time, with added stress if they are ill or suffering from a degenerative illness. Often you can be left feeling you are stumbling in the dark and in desperate need of added help and support.

What is caregiver syndrome?

Caregiver syndrome, also known as caregiver stress or caregiver burnout, is the physical, mental and emotional state many caregivers experience. The feelings of stress and anxiety, emotional turmoil and worry and overwhelm can lead to a myriad of physical and mental symptoms such as;

• Being easily irritated or angry

• Feeling overwhelmed

• Tired, worried or feeling sad

• Too much or too little sleep

• Lack of interest in hobbies or past times

• Weight gain or loss

• Aches and pains, headaches or other physical symptoms.

23 Easy Stress-Relieving Helpful Tips

1. Make an effort to understand challenging behaviour

The behaviour of elderly parents can be very challenging and cause immense stress and overwhelm. Making an effort to understand their behaviour and the reasons for it can help to work around it. They may be feeling stressed, worried or overwhelmed by their change in relationship status with you, a health condition they have or a feeling of losing control of their lives.

Your understanding of their behaviour can help reassure them and make for a far easier transition.

2. Do a full assessment of mental and physical requirements

When you know and understand what your parent needs on a physical and mental level, life can be much easier for you both.

Knowing what physical check-ups, prescriptions or requirements they need can make your life much easier.

Also, understanding their mental state can help you relate and cope far more empathetically.

3. Don't commit yourself to more than you can physically and mentally handle

Be aware of how much time you have and can spare before you commit to helping. Sometimes with the best of intentions, you can take on too much and then find you have neither the physical time nor mental capacity to take on so much. Work through beforehand a realistic time frame you can dedicate to your parent and then stick to it.

Far better to feel you are under-committing now and are able to stick to it than agree to too much and then find you have to keep letting people down.

4. Make sure caregiving doesn’t totally dominate your life

Regardless of how much you want to help those you love and care about, you need to be mindful of your own welfare.

Make sure caregiving doesn’t totally dominate your life. We all know the saying “You can’t drink from an empty vessel.”

If you give too much of yourself without looking after your own physical and mental well-being, soon you will have nothing left to give to others.

5. Don't allow feelings of guilt to cause you to sacrifice your own life

Often people who are the ones who take on too much responsibility are also the people who have a tendency to feel too much guilt or fall prey to guilt trips by other people.

You can’t allow feelings of guilt to sacrifice your own life. No matter how much you love someone or want to take care of them, you need balance and perspective in your life.

Don’t succumb to feelings of guilt as a way for another person to get their way or demand too much. Take care of your own health and well-being first.

6. Eradicate stress after negative interactions

You may find some interactions with elderly parents are far more stressful than others.

On these occasions, it’s important you learn to eradicate stress from your life which may have built up. Spend some time doing something which relaxes you or you love to do, anything to take your mind off the situation you have just left. You need to keep in mind your well-being is of paramount importance.

7. Know where to draw the line with acceptable behaviour

You shouldn’t have to put up with being treated in an unacceptable way, no matter what the relationship is you have with the other person.

Nobody has the right to treat another person badly, even if they are suffering in some way themselves.

If you feel you are being treated unfairly, without respect or are made to feel uncomfortable in any way you have every right to say something.

8. Ensure that communication is clear and simple

Try to avoid mixed messages and crossed communication. Keep conversations clear and simple so you know what you are doing and when you said you would be doing it. If it’s helpful, write it down for them in a diary, on a planner, or in a notebook.

Many arguments can happen when one side is unaware of what the other side is doing or has said it will do. This can lead to more stress and anxiety. Keep all communication clear and simple.

9. Plan for future events

Plan future events so nothing ever gets missed. If you are dealing with elderly parents who need hospital appointments for example, make sure you always plan them well in advance so you don’t double book the dates. You know you are available to take them and other engagements aren’t going to overlap. This will save a great deal of stress and work.

10. Make a real effort to enjoy the time you have with them

Don’t forget to have fun with your parents. Too much time can be spent on stress and worry, making you forget to have quality time with them. Do things you both enjoy, sit and talk about family and past times. Engage with them in a way to bring you closer together and that will create lasting memories of them.

If you have younger children, get them to connect with them and spend quality time together as a family.

11. Be respectful even in a challenging situation

There will always be certain situations where you are pushed to the max and feel very stressed. At these times you need to take a moment out and remember to be respectful, even in the most challenging of situations.

Many elderly parents will be in situations where they feel embarrassed, confused, a loss of dignity or control. Some of their anger and frustration come from this place. Showing respect can often help to elevate stressful situations.

12. Allow time for yourself

We all need time to ourselves, no matter how much we love our parents and are willing to do things for them.

It is imperative you have some alone time to restore your batteries and catch up with your life.

Spending some time apart will help to defuse stressful situations and will give you the break you need to visit them feeling more refreshed and ready.

13. Practice staying calm and relaxed in difficult situations

Staying relaxed and calm is paramount when you are faced with stressful situations. Losing your temper, getting stressed, anxious or upset will only ever make the problems worse.

Try looking at the situation empathetically, how would you feel and react if you were in your parents’ position? This viewpoint can help you to remain calm and composed.

If you feel your blood pressure rising, take a break if possible, leave the room and practice some deep breathing techniques until you are ready to deal with the situation again.

14. Enlist the help of other family members

Don’t try and do everything on your own. looking after other people is no time to develop “martyr syndrome” doing everything and refusing help from other people. In situations such as this, you will need all of the help you can get. If someone reaches out to help, say “yes” and relinquish some control.

15. Be solution oriented in relation to problems that crop up

There will no doubt be many problems that crop up when you are looking after elderly parents.

From health to finances you will have times when you are trying to solve problems whilst also taking care of your relative. When problems arise, be solution orientated when solving them.

Think of problems that may come up before they do so you can have a solution to hand, call on the help of experts or other family members and always try and keep everything in perspective.

16. Offer reassurance when they are afraid

As hard as it might be for you to see, there may be times when your parent is feeling afraid. This may be because of an illness and treatment they may need, a mental issue, or any other reason.

When it happens, make sure you are there to offer them reassurance and support. In the same way, they will have done when you were younger and afraid, now it is your turn to offer them the same comfort.

Regardless of age, everyone can experience the same emotions and may need reassurance from another person.

17. Seek the help of a professional when you feel it's needed

Always call on the help of a professional if there is something you are struggling with. They are there to help and assist you so never feel you have to do everything by yourself.

Whether it is a medical, financial, or legal issue, there are many organisations ready and willing to help when needed.

18. Be aware of what you can and can’t control

As in anything in life, there will be some situations you can control and some you can’t. You need to be fully aware of this before you start to create stress for yourself by trying to control every situation. This is often where delegating tasks to other people is especially useful.

19. Study the information available for caring for parents

There is a lot of information available for people when looking after elderly relatives. It is a good idea to familiarise yourself with the avenues available to you for help and assistance.

Local authorities will often have teams of people who can help, hospitals and medical centres can step up and there are many registered charities such as Age Concern in the UK who can help.

Look online, in local libraries and for any local support groups you may be able to call upon for assistance.

20. Keep yourself physically fit and make sure to have enough sleep

You need to look after your own levels of fitness and make sure you get enough sleep if you are looking after another person.

Have a healthy, balanced diet, drink plenty of water and aim to get enough sleep. Think about doing exercise to help your mental and physical health.

21. Practice relaxation through meditation

When you are feeling fraught, anxious and have high levels of stress, practice meditation to help you to relax and unwind.

This is a very simple yet effective tool to have to aid in sleep, mental and physical well-being and as a means of escape.

You don’t need to sit for an hour at a time, even a few minutes can bring much-needed rest and clarity. There are many highly effective apps around such as Insight Timer to help you to get started.

22. Don't blame yourself for the situation

Never blame yourself for the situation you are in. This is a counterproductive exercise and serves no one. Situations happen and you will very rarely have control over an ageing parent’s health and well-being. All you can do is be there for them and help them in the way you can.

23. Make self-care an important priority

Although your health and well-being have been mentioned before, this is such an important point it needs to be stressed.

You have to have a good self-care routine in place to get through this time. If your health and mental well-being are compromised it will be of no help to anyone.

Therefore, you need to find time every day to look after yourself, eat well, sleep well and do something you love to occupy your mind in a way that is relaxing and rejuvenating.

Final Thoughts

Looking after ageing parents is always going to be tricky on some level and there are going to be many times you find yourself dealing with negative emotions-either yours or theirs.

These situations often need to be handled with care and diplomacy, love, affection and respect. If you find you are struggling to cope alone, remember to reach out.

There are many places to find help, support and guidance regardless of what situation you are dealing with. Never feel you are alone, even if you have no family members to support you.

There are many places both online and in person that will offer practical support and guidance, a sympathetic ear or good advice to help you to cope with ageing parents.

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