How do I overcome my feelings of shame?

Shame is a very common emotion for humans but can cause great suffering and pain. We often feel it as an unpleasant, disturbing sensation in the pit of our stomach. It is often related to a sense of failure or the thought that we have done something immoral or embarrassing.

It is a complex emotion that will feel different to each person but it is an emotion that everyone will have experienced in their lives. Many people can carry shame around with them for many years. Situations from when they were children can still cause them to feel shame many years later.

We will all react to shame in our own way, and we can all experience it for different reasons. The one thing that many people will have in common is their desire to know how to change their thinking about shame.

What exactly is shame?

Shame can be defined as a feeling of embarrassment or humiliation that arises from the perception of having done something dishonourable, immoral, or improper. (ref: very well mind)

Shame is a negative emotion that nonetheless, has played an important part in our human development. Our feelings of shame can mean that we follow the laws and rules that society dictates and it can also give us a moral compass to live by.

What are the signs of shame?

Although the way we experience shame is different from person to person, there are some underlying symptoms, physical and behavioural, that most people will suffer from such as;

• Blushing uncontrollably and feeling uncomfortable with other people

• Worrying about what others will think

• Wanting to withdraw from the company of others or feeling that you would like to “disappear” from view

• Feeling worried about failing, even if it goes against your moral compass

• Believing that you can’t be your true, authentic self because of what others think

• Being over-sensitive

• Feeling that you aren’t appreciated or that you are overlooked by others

• Not being able to look people in the eye

• Speaking softly, stuttering or being unable to speak in front of others

• Slumped shoulders, lowered head and submissive posture.

What are the four types of shame?

The psychotherapist James Burgo wrote a book about the topic of shame, Shame: Free Yourself, Find Joy. and Build True Self-Esteem. According to Burgo, there are 4 types of shame that he calls “shame paradigms”. They are;

• unrequited love - a type of shame that can be developed from a young age, where you love someone and it is not reciprocated

• unwanted exposure - when you are publically humiliated

• disappointed expectation - when something you were expecting doesn’t materialise

• exclusion - when we are left out such as in friendship circles

How to change your thinking about shame: 15 strategies

Once you have identified the emotion that you are feeling is one of shame, you can then go about applying effective strategies to change how you think about it.

Below are 15 effective strategies for doing this.

1. Pay attention to your self-talk

Listen to how you speak to yourself. Is the language positive or negative? Are you self-critical and hard on yourself? Do you berate yourself and put yourself down? Are you inclined to agree with the negative opinions other people have about you?

Once you begin to pay attention to how you talk to yourself, you can then make changes. Start by identifying which thoughts are false and that you need to reframe in your mind.

Remember that an opinion that another person holds of you is not a fact, and what they think of you is none of your business. All you should be concerned about are your own beliefs about yourself.

2. Realize when you are feeling shame in your life

Understanding the situations and circumstances where you feel shame can aid in breaking this cycle.

Do you feel shame when you are in a situation similar to one in the past where you experienced shame? Do you feel shame when you are in a group of people and you feel out of your depth or nervous?

Once you have identified when and why you are feeling shame you can then start to do something positive to remove the emotion.

3. Treat yourself with kindness

As humans, we can so often find it far easier to be kinder to others than ourselves. There are many times that you would be horrified if you spoke to another person the way that you do to yourself, and yet this is something that many people who suffer from consistent negative emotions do.

You need to learn to treat yourself with kindness. Practice being non-judgemental and harsh on yourself and use positive language and actions towards yourself.

4. Write your feelings down in a journal

When looking for effective ways to change your thinking around shame, practice the art of journaling. Writing down how you are feeling in a journal can give you some perspective on your thoughts.

It can allow you to evaluate and reason why you are feeling the way that you are and can also highlight patterns of unhelpful thinking allowing you to change your behaviour and re-frame your thoughts.

5. Try to look at your situation from an objective point of view

Looking at your situation from an objective point of view will give you a different perspective on your thinking.

How do other people see you? Do other people react to you the way that you do to yourself? Looking at the situation in this way can help you to identify the negative thoughts and cognitive distortions that you may be having about yourself.

We often look at our situations from a viewpoint of confirmation bias, that is having a negative thought and then looking for evidence to support this from our perspective. Be more objective in your thinking.

6. Turn your mistakes into positives

You have made mistakes in your past and you are going to make them in the future, that is just a fact of life and part of being human.

Making mistakes isn’t the problem, in and of itself, it is the way that you react to the mistakes that makes them a problem.

If you could turn any mistake into a positive, this would put a completely different perspective on how you think and feel about them.

7. Embrace the power of self-forgiveness

Being able to forgive yourself is one of the most crucial strategies when it comes to changing how you think about shame.

If you can’t forgive yourself then you will carry the emotion of shame around with you and you will never be able to move past it.

The power of self-forgiveness will be very restorative and will help you to move on.

8. Be aware of shame-triggering thoughts

Are you aware of the reason why you feel shame? Do you fully understand the shame-triggering thoughts that are making you feel the way that you do? Being aware of the thoughts that are causing the feelings will help you to work on those thoughts and reframe them more helpfully.

Once you are aware of the thoughts that you are having that are causing you to feel shame you can evaluate them in depth. It could be that you just need a change of perspective or the thoughts that you are having could be invalid.

9. Realize which things are not your fault

You are not responsible for all of the mistakes that are made in the world and you are not responsible for all of the mistakes that are made by people close to you. Are you blaming yourself for mistakes that are not yours? Are you feeling shame that is really the blame of another person?

At times, other people can be responsible for making you feel shame for a fault that is theirs and that they are passing on to you. Own your faults and accept them but make sure that other people own theirs.

10. Use the practice of meditation to calm the mind

A calm, composed mind, will always have more positive thoughts than a stressed overworked mind.

When you are experiencing negative emotions, it is a good idea to take some time out to practice meditation.

Meditation is an excellent way of allowing you to live in the moment and clear the clutter and negativity in your mind.

It can bring you clarity and understanding as well as have a very restorative effect on troubled minds and negative emotions.

11. Confront your thoughts to assess their validity

Is what you are thinking valid? Many times due to cognitive distortions, thoughts that you may have aren’t necessarily truthful. The mind has an amazing capacity to believe what it wants to believe or what you tell it. If you have been feeding your mind with distorted thoughts or events, it will believe them regardless of whether they are true or not.

You need to make sure that you confront thoughts that are causing you shame and examine them for their validity. If they are untrue thoughts then you need to change them ASAP.

12. Use positive affirmations to change your thinking

A positive affirmation is a statement that you say that is going to lift you and make you feel better about yourself. Positive affirmations are tools that are used to help a person see themselves through a better lens.

If you are someone who always knocks yourself down and is filled with negative self-talk, then this tool will be very helpful to you.

The more that you use positive affirmations, the more that your brain will begin to believe them and the quicker your emotional barometer will change from negative to positive. Although you may be a little uncomfortable when you first start with time and practice they will become second nature to you and as you see your mood changing and you feel yourself having more confidence and self-belief the more you will continue to use them.

13. Use the power of exercise to change your state

A healthy body and a healthy mind work in tandem, you can’t really have one without the other. Holistically, the entire body works together so what you do with one part, the effects will be felt in another.

Therefore exercising will help you mentally and emotionally.

Exercise is a very powerful tool for dealing with negative emotions and pessimistic thoughts. When you exercise, endorphins, those amazing feel-good chemicals are released into the body making you feel better. The more you do the better you will feel.

14. Use the practice of mindfulness to help you through

Like meditation and journaling, mindfulness is another powerful tool that can be applied to help you deal with feelings of shame. Mindfulness is a way of helping you to regulate your emotions, by paying attention to the emotions that you are experiencing but not having any judgement on them.

When you are in a state of mindful awareness, you are accepting and open to what is going on in your body. This helps you to sit with the emotion and work through it, instead of trying to reject the emotion or judge yourself for feeling this way.

Mindfulness can help you to observe negative emotions without becoming overwhelmed by them.

15. Seek the help of a coach or therapist

Coaching or therapy can be very effective tools for helping people to deal with the emotion of shame. Working with another person can help to give clarity and understanding to the situation that you are experiencing.

Many people will carry the feeling of shame around with them but will not fully understand the thoughts that are bringing about the emotion. Working with a therapist can help to uncover the underlying thoughts.

Coaching can give you tools such as CBT to help you reframe thoughts that you have to enable you to move on from the feelings of shame. A coach will be there to support and guide you through to help you establish a better, more helpful thought process.

Final Thoughts

We will all suffer from feelings of shame, which is to be expected as we go through life, but the people who suffer and let it affect their lives need to take action. Knowing how to change your thinking about shame is the first step.

If you are someone who suffers from deep-rooted feelings of shame, you must start to reframe your thinking. Although shame is an uncomfortable and embarrassing emotion, following the tips above can help you to change the thought patterns that you may be having.

Remember, there are many professionals whom you can reach out to and who can help you cope if you are feeling overwhelmed and unable to manage by yourself.

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